Sunday, July 19, 2015

Standup & Hands Up, America II

The Donald Tweets and Quacks

Donald Trump has thrown his hair into the ring. He’s running for president and away from Mexicans before they steal his hubcaps, rape his wife, and cut his lawn.

So when Mexican drug lord El Chapo escaped from a maximum security prison, Trump tweeted, “I’ll kick his Mexican ass!” To which El Chapo tweeted, “Keep fucking around and you’ll eat your words, you fucking white cagaleche.”

Trump stammered, “You’re f-f-f-fired!” and promptly shit his pants, which is entirely appropriate, since cagaleche means “cum shitter.” 

Make Love Not War, Sharia Style

So it looks like we’ve finally got a nuclear deal with Iran. They agree to not make a bomb and we agree to marry multiple wives under Sharia law. President Obama says it’s a win win, but his wife Michelle has converted to Judaism and defected to Israel.

Republicans, who were taking steps to impeach Obama, have changed their minds and subscribed to Baghdad Bride Magazine.

Pope Francis Throws Holy Water on Global Warming

Pope Francis says global warming is a real problem, because you can’t walk on water in twenty-foot waves. So he’s issued an encyclical demanding life vests for the masses. He says if Jesus were here, he’d turn oil into wine and power the world on Merlot.

Homegrown Terrorists Don’t Go to Heaven

There was another shooting on a military base by an Islamic-American terrorist. These homegrown jihadis need to mellow out. Forget about waterboarding, let's force-feed them on some real homegrown spiked brownies till their hearts stop and they’re dancing in hell with 72 virgins in chastity belts. 

Friday, July 17, 2015

Standup & Hands Up, America I

Whose Race Is It, Anyway?

People just aren’t the way they seem anymore.

Turns out, the former head of the NAACP in Spokane, Washington, is white but she’s been passing herself off as black for years. The truth comes out, and it reduces the African American population in Spokane by half.

Gay Marriage Goes Legal, Texas Sues for Divorce

In other radical news, gay marriage is now legal nationwide, but Texas is suing for divorce, after sodomizing Mexico for years.

Conservative chefs are outraged, they don’t want to be forced to bake cakes for gay weddings. These are guys who play with cream all day and whisk egg whites till they’re stiff.

But what I want to know is how many same-sex couples will be breaking up over this. Because you know how bad you can want something when you know you just can’t have it?

Now same-sex couples can lead normal lives like other married people… and grow… bored… together. Kinda takes the gay right out of gay.

Cosby: Just Desserts? 

Bill Cosby is accused of molesting more than 50 women, after putting qualudes in their Jello pudding.

Hillary Beats Off Republicans

Republican presidential hopefuls are sticking it up the middle class, or is it sticking up for the middle class? Either way it hurts. So I’m counting on Hillary to beat off that stick.

Deranged Tom Sawyer Wants to Paint America White

In South Carolina, a maniac with a crazy bowl-shaped haircut killed nine people in a black church. You see pictures of this guy? Looks like a deranged Tom Sawyer, he’s the boy on Dutch Boy Paints. Wants to paint the whole country white, make America safe for white people. You know how to make America safe for white people? Sunscreen. Write your congressman.

Walmart's Southern Cross Double Cross

Now Walmart has stopped selling Confederate flag merchandise. Can you believe it? Walmart? It’s like a Supreme Court decision.

Confederate Flag Boxer Shorts

And a South Carolina cop who posed online in Confederate flag boxer shorts was forced to remove them and submit to a strip search by the St. Louis Rams.

It’s 150 years since the Civil War, and the confederates are finally taking down their battle flag. Next thing you know, they’ll be applying for American citizenship.

KKK Introduces New Sheet Pattern

With all these Confederate flags coming down the problem is what to do with them. So the KKK is introducing a new sheet pattern. And in a related story, a woman who climbed a flagpole and took down a Confederate flag herself, was arrested and sentenced to work in a sweatshop cutting eyeholes into sheets.

Jenner Finds His Inner Caitlin

Meanwhile Olympic titan Bruce Jenner is a woman now. More power to her, or less, we’ll have to see how she does in the pole vault.